Critique of Football Player Story

(My comments will be in Purple. Words and punctuation that need to be deleted are in Red. Words and punctuation I added are in Purple. At the end I will have general comments about the passage.)

The red convertible cut a path through the moonlight, its headlights dancing along the arched limbs of the trees above the road.

“Oh, Matt, it’s such a beautiful night,” Stacey declared with a sigh. “I'm going to miss you when you leave tomorrow.”

Matt reached for her hand and brought it to his lips. “I'll miss you too, but if I don't report on time, I'm in trouble with the coach.”

“That’s what I get for falling in love with a pro football player,” Stacey teased, her blonde hair turned to frosted silver by the light of the full moon above them.

Matt squeezed the hand that wore his engagement ring. “It’s too late to back out now,” he intoned with mock seriousness. “You're mine.”

“Mmm, do I like the sound of that!”

The car rounded a curve and without warning a deer bounded across the road. Matt braked sharply to avoid the animal, but the tires slid on a patch of loose gravel in the road and he lost control of the convertible. It fishtailed and started to spin in the road. Matt made a tremendous effort to correct the slide, but it was useless. The car turned around once more and skidded backwards for a short distance before it slid off the road, jumping a steep ditch and going airborne. All Matt could see was a blur of trees and darkness as the car careened into the woods. It made a lazy turn in the air and came to rest bottom side up.

The last thing he remembered was the sound of Stacey’s screams.

The above intro does not serve this story well. The writer establishes three things: Matt is a pro football player, he and Stacey are engaged, and there is a car crash. However, there is no need to give all this information at once-- it is all important information but it is given too quickly. The dialogue's sole purpose is to provide the info that Matt is a pro football player and that he and Stacey are engaged. It does not move the story along and seems trite and, to be blunt, kind of hokey.

My suggestion would be to cut the beginning paragraphs and open directly with Matt's parents sitting with Stacey in the hospital. All of the information that is conveyed in the first section can be given much more effectively in the next section. This is where you want to slowly provide information to the reader-- it builds up the suspense, heightens the tension, and increases interest in the story. You need to give the reader a reason to keep reading.

*****

Rod and Marilyn McCallum waited for several hours before anyone came out of the operating room to talk to them. The nurses had been kindness itself, offering coffee, encouragement, and pats on the back every time they passed through the waiting room, but nothing helped. Their older son, the first born child of their love, lay gravely injured, and they had no idea what the outcome of this night would be. They sat quietly, holding hands and offering prayers for the safety of their son.

In the hard, uncomfortable chair beside Marilyn, Stacey Thomas, Matt’s fiancée, sat with her head buried in her hands. This wasn't the way the night was supposed to end. These should be your first two sentences. They will grab the reader in very powerfully. She knew that their parents wouldn't approve, but she and Matt had gone to Greenville and checked into a luxury hotel that morning. They had spent his last day of freedom in bed together, and it had been wonderful. Matt was a good lover, and he had pleased her greatly. She started to cry again as she considered what injuries he might have sustained. Never mind the sex; the remainder of this paragraph wold be better as a flashback-- a short flashback.

A tall man in sweat-stained surgical scrubs approached them. “Mr. and Mrs. McCallum?” The doctor’s voice brought all three of them to their feet.

“How is he?” demanded Marilyn, her eyes anxious, wide, and staring in her white face.

“Better than I expected,” the doctor admitted. “His left leg was mangled from the knee down. It took a long time, but we worked really hard on it, and I think we've saved it. He has four screws and two plates, and he'll undoubtedly have a limp for the rest of his life, but we did save his leg.” This is incongruous with the doctor's later statement that Matt's right leg was amputated. For one thing, Matt's going to have a heck of a limp because of the amputation, and for another, he gives the parents a false sense of hope when he tells them that the left leg was saved, only to later on knock the chair out from under them when he tells them that the right leg had to be amputated.

“He kicks with his right leg anyway,” Rod muttered.

“Ah, well, that’s the other thing I wanted to talk to you about. I'm sorry Mr. McCallum. I saw him play last year, and I know he had a wonderful career in front of him, but in spite of everything we did, his right leg was hurt too bad to save. We had to amputate right above his knee.”

“At least he’s alive,” This is rather abrupt. She's just heard that her son's leg was amputated. Give her a chance to digest this information. Marilyn sobbed as she rhythmically shredded a tissue. “I don't care about his leg; I just want my son to live.”

“I can almost promise you that he will,” the doctor comforted her. “Barring unforeseen complications, he’s going to be fine, and as soon as his leg heals we'll fit a prosthesis on him and teach him how to walk again.”

“When can we see him?” Marilyn demanded demanded seems to be a rather strong attributive as she wiped away her tears.

“He’s in recovery now, and we plan to put him in ICU for a day or so. The last thing we need is an infection, and we can watch him better there. We'll let you know as soon as he gets there, and you can see him for a minute.”

Rod groped for the sofa and fell backwards onto the miserable thing. “The best kicker in thirty years,” he whispered, quoting what a sports announcer had said on TV only hours earlier. “The best kicker in thirty years, and now they have to teach him to walk again.” Nice. This packs a punch.

Abruptly, he stood up. “I'm going home, Marilyn. Are you coming?”

Surprised, Marilyn shook her head. “No, of course not. I'm not leaving until I've seen him.”
“Stacey?”

“I… I'll… go with you. I need to tell my parents what’s happened and that I'm alright.” They've been at the hospital for several hours and she's not called her parents yet? They must be worried sick- they had to have heard about the crash.

General Comments:

In this passage, the writer is trying to convey a very emotional and traumatic scene, however, the structure of the passage needs to be reworked to provide the punch the writer wants. There are several points that need to be conveyed:

• Matt is a pro football player- a kicker with great potential.
• Matt and Stacey are engaged.
• Matt and Stacey are in a car crash.
• As a result of his injuries in the crash, Matt's leg is amputated.

At the same time, the reader does not need to be hit over the head with the info. The information should be given subtly, teasingly, slowly provided to the reader.

• Some things that are unclear from the above passage but are hinted at:
• Rod will have a difficult time accepting what has happened to his son.
• Stacey may also have a hard time accepting what has happened.
• Rod and Marilyn may blame Stacey for the crash.

First, let's look at the beginning-- what can be done to grab the reader and pull him/her into the story?

In the hard, uncomfortable, hospital chair Stacey Thomas sat with her head buried in her hands. This wasn't the way the night was supposed to end. She and Matt had spent a wonderful day together, a perfect day together, a day brought to a crashing halt when that deer jumped out in front of Matt's car as he and Stacey were driving back to town.

Beside her sat Matt's mother and father, Marilyn and Rod, holding hands and praying for the life of their son. Stacey's head throbbed from the stitches she had received in the emergency room several hours before. Her shirt was covered with blood, hers and Matt's. As long as she lived, she didn't think she would ever forget the horrible sensation of Matt's car careening off the road, twisting in the air, flip-flopping, along with her stomach, until it came to rest upside down in the woods.

This lets the reader know about the accident and sets the scene for later. It also puts some emotion into the car crash. Next, let's give Mom and Dad the bad news:

"Mr. and Mrs. McCallum?" a soft, authoritative voice fell into the silence. Marilyn gave a slight gasp and she and Rod both stood, clutching each other and turning to face the surgeon. Stacey stood up as well, unconsciously twisting her engagement ring on her finger.

"Our son?" Marilyn spoke hesitantly, her eyes wide and anxious. "Will he be okay?"

"He'll live," the doctor said, untying his surgical mask from around his neck and sticking it into his pocket. "We were able to save his left leg. It was mangled from the knee down, but it will be okay. He has four screws and two plates, but we did save it." The doctor hesitated, his eyes sweeping over Matt's parents.

“He kicks with his right leg anyway,” Rod muttered.

Stacey saw a shadow cross the doctor's face. He reached out and took Marilyn's hand in his. "I'm sorry," he said simply. "We couldn't save the right leg. It was too badly damaged."

Rod and Marilyn froze. Marilyn looked at the doctor in disbelief. "You mean you-" she faltered, unable to say the words.

"We had to amputate his right leg," the doctor repeated gently. "But he's going to be okay. That's the important thing. Your son will live."

Marilyn looked down at her hand, which was still held within the doctor's grasp. She pulled it away and then straightened her shoulders. She looked evenly at the doctor. "Yes, you're right," she said softly, with no quiver at all in her voice although her knuckles were white as she clutched her tissue. "Thank you Doctor. When can we see him?"

“He’s in recovery now, and we plan to put him in ICU for a day or so. The last thing we need is an infection, and we can watch him better there. We'll let you know as soon as he gets there, and you can see him for a minute.”

This establishes that Marilyn's chief concern is that her son is alive. She's a strong woman; she's going to focus on taking care of her son and she will be okay. The mention of the engagement ring establishes the relationship between Stacey and Matt, and Rod's statement about kicking with his right leg starts to set up what happens next with Rod. The information about therapy and prosthesis can be given later; it's not important at this point.

They watched as the doctor left the room. Then Rod groped for the chair and fell backwards onto the miserable thing. “The best kicker in thirty years,” he whispered, quoting what a sports announcer had said on TV only hours earlier. “The best kicker in thirty years, and now they have to teach him to walk again.”

I love this paragraph because it wonderfully sets up some tension. Rod is going to have a hard time dealing with his son's injury.

"But he's alive," Marilyn reminded him, her jaw set with determination.

Abruptly, Rod stood up. “I'm going home, Marilyn. Are you coming?”

Surprised, Marilyn shook her head. “No, of course not. I'm not leaving until I've seen him.”

"Call me when you're ready to come home," Rod pulled his car keys out of his pocket.

This sets up some conflict between Rod and Marilyn and is a chink in the united front they presented earlier. Marilyn is going to stay with her son, she is switching into Mom mode, whereas Dad can't deal with what has happened and needs to get away.

"Excuse me," Stacey said.

They both turned and looked at her in surprise. "Oh Stacey," Marilyn said. "You poor thing! I forgot you were still here."

"If you're going home can you drop me off at my house?" Stacey asked Rod, her voice trembling. "That way I don't have to call my parents to pick me up."

"Don't you want to stay and see Matt?" Marilyn asked.

Inwardly Stacey shuddered. She couldn't get her last sight of Matt, his legs twisted and bleeding, out of her mind. "I-I'll see him later. You're his mother. He should see you first."

Rod cleared his throat. "All right. Come along then." He put an arm on Stacey's shoulder to steer her out of the room.

This sets things up for whatever happens next with Stacey. Like Rod, she is also unable to deal with what has happened and needs to get away.

This passage has given us an opportunity to analyze structure. Writers have a lot of information to provide to their readers and many times they rush to get as much of it out at the beginning of the story as possible. When you are sitting down to write out a scene, first jot down the information you want to convey. Then plan how you can work that information into the scene without having to create artificial situations or dialogue to convey the informaiton.